an essay about toxic friendship

French teenagers on a boat in the Seine river, Paris, 1988. Photo by David Alan Harvey/Magnum

Bad friends

Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. why does friendship so readily turn toxic.

by Carlin Flora   + BIO

Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your ‘best self’, your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened, articulated one of your patterns, and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends, skipped between shared memories, and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions. Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her, and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard: happy, nourished and energised through it all.

These are the friendships that fill our souls, and bolster and shape our identities and life paths. They have also been squeezed into social science labs enough times for us to know that they keep us mentally and physically healthy: good friends improve immunity , spark creativity , drop our blood pressure , ward off dementia among the elderly , and even decrease our chances of dying at any given time. If you feel you can’t live without your friends, you’re not being melodramatic.

But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts, as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it, or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons, or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships; increasingly difficult friendships; and bad, gut-wrenching, toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant, but they come with a price. Friendship, looked at through a clear and wide lens, is far messier and more lopsided than it is often portrayed.

The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal . This is shocking to people, since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you?

One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational : a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people, but those higher up the social hierarchy have their pick (and skew the average). A corroborating piece of evidence, which was highlighted by Steven Strogatz in a 2012 article in The New York Times, is the finding that your Facebook ‘friends’ always have, on average, more ‘friends’ than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis from our status-obsessed world.

‘Ambivalent’ relationships, in social science parlance, are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common, too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted, more of those are family members (whom we’re stuck with) than friends, but still, for friendship, it’s another push off the pedestal.

Friends who are loyal, reliable, interesting companions – good! – can also be bad for you, should they have other qualities that are less desirable. We know through social network research that depressed friends make it more likely you’ll be depressed, obese friends make it more likely you’ll become obese, and friends who smoke or drink a lot make it more likely you’ll smoke and drink more.

Other ‘good’ friends might have, or start to have, goals, values or habits that misalign with your current or emerging ones. They certainly haven’t ‘done’ anything to you. But they aren’t a group that validates who you are, or that will effortlessly lift you up toward your aims over time. Stay with them, and you’ll be walking against the wind.

In addition to annoying us, these mixed-bag friendships harm our health. A 2003 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad from Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino from the University of Utah asked people to wear blood-pressure monitors and write down interactions with various people. Blood pressure was higher with ambivalent relationships than it was with friends or outright enemies. This is probably due to the unpredictability of these relationships, which leads us to be vigilant: Will Jen ruin Christmas this year? Ambivalent relationships have also been associated with increased cardiovascular reactivity, greater cellular ageing , lowered resistance to stress, and a decreased sense of wellbeing.

One research team, though, found that ambivalent friendships might have benefits in the workplace. They showed that in these pairings workers are more likely to put themselves in the other’s shoes, in part because they are trying to figure out what the relationship means and what it is. Also, because ambivalent friendships make you feel uncertain about where you stand, they can push you to work harder to establish your position.

‘Frenemies’ are perhaps a separate variety in that they are neatly multi-layered – friendliness atop rivalry or dislike – as opposed to the ambivalent relationship’s admixture of love, hate, annoyance, pity, devotion and tenderness. Plenty of people have attested to the motivating force of a frenemy at work, as well as in the realms of romance and parenting.

A s with unhappy families, there are countless ways a friend can be full-on ‘bad’, no ambivalence about it. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant in New York, have studied the issue, and found some typical qualities: a bad friend makes you feel competitive with her other friends; she talks much more about herself than you do about yourself; she criticises you in a self-righteous way but is defensive when you criticise her; she makes you feel you’re walking on eggshells and might easily spark her anger or disapproval; she has you on an emotional rollercoaster where one day she’s responsive and complimentary and the next she freezes you out.

In 2014 , a team at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh found that, as the amount of negativity in relationships increased for healthy women aged over 50, so did their risk of developing hypertension. Negative social interactions – incidents including excessive demands, criticism, disappointment and disagreeable exchanges – were related to a 38 per cent increased risk. For men, there was no link between bad relationships and high blood pressure. This is likely because women care more about, and are socialised to pay more attention to, relationships.

Negative interactions can lead to inflammation, too, in both men and women. Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, who conducted a study showing as much, has said that an accumulation of social stressors could cause physical damage, just like an actual toxin.

Some of our most hurtful friendships start out good, but then became bad. Among teens, for example, the rates of cyber aggression are 4.3 times higher between friends than between friends of friends. Or as Diane de Poitiers, the 16th-century mistress of King Henry II of France, said: ‘To have a good enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike.’

The writer Robert Greene addresses the slippery slope in his book The 48 Laws of Power (1998). Bringing friends into your professional endeavours can aid the gradual crossover from ‘good’ to ‘bad’, he warns, in part because of how we react to grand favours:

Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. People want to feel they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favour can become oppressive: it means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch of condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them. The injury will come out slowly: a little more honesty, flashes of resentment and envy here and there, and before you know it your friendship fades.

Ah – so too much giving and ‘a little more honesty’ are friendship-disrupters? That conclusion, which runs counter to the ethos of total openness and unlimited generosity between friends, provides a clue as to why there are so many ‘bad’, ‘good and bad’, and ‘good, then bad’ friends. In his paper ‘The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism’ (1971), the evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers concludes that ‘each individual human is seen as possessing altruistic and cheating tendencies’, where cheating means giving at least a bit less (or taking at least a bit more) than a friend would give or take from us.

Good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps)

Trivers goes on to explain that we have evolved to be subtle cheaters, with complex mechanisms for regulating bigger cheaters and also ‘too much’ altruism. He writes:

In gross cheating, the cheater fails to reciprocate at all, and the altruist suffers the costs of whatever altruism he has dispensed without any compensating benefit… clearly, selection will strongly favour prompt discrimination against the gross cheater. Subtle cheating, by contrast, involves reciprocating, but always attempting to give less than one was given, or more precisely, to give less than the partner would give if the situation were reversed.

The rewarding emotion of ‘liking’ someone is also a part of this psychological regulation system, and selection will favour liking those who are altruistic: good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps). But the issue is not whether we are cheaters or altruists, good or bad, but to what degree are we each of those things in different contexts and relationships.

P erhaps this seesaw between cheating and altruism, which settles to a midpoint of 50/50, explains why 50 per cent keeps coming up in research on friends and relationships. Recall that half of our friendships are non-reciprocal, half of our social network consists of ambivalent relationships, and – to dip into the adjacent field of lie detection – the average person detects lies right around 50 per cent of the time. We evolved to be able to detect enough lies to not be totally swindled, but not enough to wither under the harsh truths of (white-lie-free) social interactions. Likewise, we’ve evolved to detect some cheating behaviours in friends, but not enough to prohibit our ability to be friends with people at all. As the seesaw wobbles, so do our friendships.

Should this sound like a complicated business to you, Trivers agrees, and in fact speculates that the development of this system for regulating altruism among non-kin members is what made our brains grow so big in the Pleistocene. Many neuroscientists agree with his conclusion: humans are smart so that we can navigate friendship.

The psychologist Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts (2002), found that 68 per cent of survey respondents had been betrayed by a friend. Who are these betrayers? At such high numbers, could ‘they’ be us?

We somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are

That scary thought leads me to ask: are we really striving to forgive small sins? To air our grievances before they accumulate and blow up our friendships? To make the effort to get together? To give others the benefit of the doubt? Are we giving what we can, or keeping score? Are we unfairly expecting friends to think and believe the exact same things we do? Are we really doing the best we can? Well, maybe that’s what most of our friends think they are doing, too. And if they aren’t being a good friend, or if they have drifted away from us, or we from them, maybe we can accept these common rifts, without giving into a guilt so overwhelming that it pushes us to slap a label on those we no longer want for friends: toxic.

When a friend breaks up with us, or disappears without explanation, it can be devastating. Even though the churning and pruning of social networks is common over time, we still somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are, especially if we’ve been intertwined with a friend for many years. Pulsing with hurt in the wake of a friend break-up, we hurl him or her into the ‘bad friends’ basket.

But, sometimes, we have to drop a friend to become ourselves. In Connecting in College (2016), the sociologist Janice McCabe argues that ending friendships in young adulthood is a way of advancing our identities. We construct our self-images and personalities against our friends, in both positive and negative ways.

As much as we need to take responsibility for being better friends and for our part in relationship conflict and break-ups, quite a few factors surrounding friendship are out of our control. Social network embeddedness, where you and another person have many friends in common, for instance, is a big challenge. Let’s say someone crosses a line, but you don’t want to disturb the group, so you don’t declare that you no longer think of him as a friend. You pull back from him, but not so much that it will spark a direct confrontation, whereby people would then be forced to invite only one of you, but not both, to events. Sometimes we are yoked to bad friends.

The forces that dictate whom we stay close to and whom we let go can be mysterious even to ourselves. Aren’t there people you like very much whom you haven’t contacted in a long time? And others you don’t connect with as well whom you see more often? The former group might be pencilling you into their ‘bad friend’ column right now.

Dealing with bad friends, getting dumped by them, and feeling disappointed with them is a stressful part of life, and it can harm your body and mind. Yet having no friends at all is a far worse fate. Imagine a child’s desperation for a playmate, a teenager’s deep longing for someone who ‘gets’ her, or an adult’s realisation that there is no one with whom he can share a failure or even a success. Loneliness is as painful as extreme thirst or hunger. John Cacioppo, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, has found associations between loneliness and depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep dysfunction, high blood pressure, the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, cynical world views and suicidal thoughts. But if you have friend problems, you have friends – and that means you’re pretty lucky.

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‘He drives me mad!’ Why don’t we dump toxic friends?

According to psychologists, ‘ambivalent’ relationships can cause us more stress than being with people we actively dislike. Is it time to let go – or can these friendships be salvaged?

R oger and Jim have been friends for more than 30 years. When they were younger they were in a band together, and their friendship was forged over a shared love of music and beer. Even now, despite family commitments on both sides, they manage to catch up every couple of months. “Even though he drives me mad,” says Roger.

It is Jim who leaps to Roger’s mind at the mention of toxic friendships. Every time they meet, Roger says, they “tend to have the same conversation”, because Jim never listens to what he says.

Roger, now in his 50s, from the West Midlands, has never told Jim how he feels. “I believe it’s passed the point of politeness now. I’d expect a reply of: ‘Why didn’t you tell me years ago that I’ve been getting on your nerves?’”

Plus, Roger adds, Jim is one of only a few old friends: “It’s hard to think we would not see each other because of a few annoyances.”

A toxic friend may seem oxymoronic: unlike families or colleagues, where we might be obliged to maintain ties, most friendships we opt into. Yet nearly everyone has someone in their social network that they have mixed feelings about, says Julianne Holt-Lunstad , a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. “The distinction seems to be that there are some people who just have more than others,” she says.

Holt-Lunstad began researching these “ambivalent relationships” in order to understand their impact on our health. There was already strong evidence that positive relationships have protective benefits, and that negative ones can be detrimental, “so we started thinking about those relationships that are a mix of both”.

She found study participants’ interactions with these ambivalent friends was associated with increased stress and cardiovascular reactivity. Just the thought of them was enough to elevate heart rate and blood pressure. Surprisingly, blood pressure was also found to rise more in the presence of ambivalent friends than with people the subjects actively disliked.

“It’s the mix of positivity and negativity,” says Holt-Lunstad. “You may not know what you’re going to get from them, or it may be, because you care about that person, that when things are negative it hurts that much more.”

These are the people whom Bridget Jones likened to jellyfish, whose stinging remarks you don’t see coming but stay with you for days after.

Sophie, a twentysomething Londoner, remembers one such school friend: “I would feel so drained and awful after we hung out, and it took me a really long time to put my finger on why. She would subtweet about me after we met up, saying how much she hated red lipstick during the day, for example, if I’d been wearing it earlier.”

On those occasions that the friend was outright mean or rude, Sophie would call her out, “and she would then say I was too sensitive”.

Sam Owen , a relationships coach and the author of Happy Relationships , says backhanded compliments can be a hallmark of a toxic friend. So can nonverbal communication that seems at odds with their words, suggesting a breakdown in trust.

“The sensations you feel within your body will signpost you towards or away from the people in your life,” says Owen. If you frequently feel tense or demoralised in their presence, for instance, that may be a tip-off “that they are not truly on your team”.

The question is: why might we continue to invest in friendships that we have mixed feelings about, or that may even actively make us feel bad?

We can only maintain a total of 150 friendships, says Dr Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, but we do not invest time or emotional closeness across them equally. In fact, his research has shown that about 60% of our total social effort goes to just 15 people, with 40% devoted to the five most important.

There is “constant turnover” in those groups over your life, says Dunbar; movement towards and away from that inner circle is simply a question of time spent bonding. “It’s a series of stages where you stop and evaluate at each one, and decide whether to go on or not.”

It means that people are less likely to actively sever ties with their frenemy than they are to make themselves more distant or unavailable. Sophie and her friend eventually drifted apart, at Sophie’s instigation. “I haven’t seen her for years. She occasionally sends me replies on Instagram – I always ignore them.”

Other people might choose to restrict the frequency with which they see their friend – or the context.

In setting out to answer why people maintain such ties at all, Holt-Lunstad had expected that the driving factors would be external; for example, you lived near each other or you had a lot of mutual friends. In fact, she was surprised to learn, they were mostly internal. A common justification was the sense of a sunk cost, says Holt-Lunstad: “They’d already invested a lot in the relationship.”

For many people, it may go back to school days. Dunbar says a few close friendships forged between ages 15 and 25 do tend to be more resilient through the passing of time, because of the intensity of bonding at that age. There is a cultural tie, too: “You know you have this long, deep history of co-living and sharing experiences together; you feel this sense of obligation out of respect to that old relationship, even if you have drifted apart.”

Holt-Lunstad’s research found that many participants saw turning the other cheek at their friend’s rudeness or bad behaviour – a sense of being the bigger person – as the right thing to do. How this reflected on them was also a factor, she says: “They didn’t want to be the type of person who couldn’t maintain a friendship.”

Often, too, the good times really did outweigh the bad. “They would stick around because of these other really good aspects about that person.” This is a reminder of the real feeling, and sometimes real pain, at the centre of these uneasy ties.

A “toxic friendship” typically indicates that a function or expectation of the relationship has been challenged, says the clinical psychologist Dr Miriam Kirmayer ; for example, there has been a betrayal of trust or the investment is imbalanced. But can it be salvaged?

“The heart of this is self-reflection, so: ‘Do I have a sense of what is bothering me here?’” says Kirmayer. Especially strong emotions may indicate that one of our core values (for example, punctuality) has been violated, but we often may not have communicated that clearly to our friends. “Sharing the reason why this is challenging: people are often very receptive to that, and it can be a way to find common ground.”

If that doesn’t bring about the desired change, Kirmayer suggests shifting our expectations to focus on the positive contributions that our friends do make to our lives. That may require setting boundaries – for example, avoiding certain topics or activities that you know to be problematic – whether you choose to articulate them or not. “That tends to be a really helpful way to go about managing conflict because we aren’t giving up on the parts of the relationship that are working.”

Kirmayer goes on: “I also find it’s very easy to recognise somebody else’s behaviour and what they have done that we see as upsetting or wrong, and it is much more difficult, obviously, to look inward. That’s not to say that I encourage people to blame themselves, but to see all relationships, including friendships, as a dynamic – our friends are responding to us in some way.”

This speaks to a question that arose from Holt-Lunstad’s research, which she says warrants further inquiry: are those people who identify as having ambivalent friends realistic about relationships, or are they “expecting all benefits, and few costs”?

Holt-Lunstad says her work has caused her to reflect on her own relationships. “I don’t want to be the source of ambivalence for someone else. It’s caused me to reflect on ‘What kind of friend am I? Am I supportive, am I reliable?’ We can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves. The first step is always looking inward.”

Roger’s friendship with Jim is, after all, ongoing – for all his ambivalence. “I am self-aware enough to appreciate that I do things that drive him mad, too,” he says. “But maybe I do them on purpose now.”

Names of case studies have been changed

• Mental health
• Relationships

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Toxic Friendship: How to Deal with Toxic Friends

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On This Page:

Friendships should be a source of joy and support. Good friends lift you up, cheer you on, and help you shine. 

However, sometimes we encounter “toxic friends,” or friendships turn sour, leaving us feeling drained, disrespected, and even belittled. 

Research has found that developing a “healthy friendship environment” is important for maintaining good psychological well-being. Thus, identifying and addressing toxic friendships is an act of self-care. 

What is a toxic friend?

Even one or two of these red flags can indicate an unhealthy dynamic:

Constant Negativity

• Endless complaining, pessimism, and/or drama. 

Lack of Support

• Reluctance to celebrate your successes or provide encouragement during challenging times.
• Belittling your achievements or dismissing your goals (e.g., “Anyone could have got that promotion”).
• Displaying resentment or envy towards your achievements and happiness (e.g., making snide remarks about your accomplishments).

Manipulation and Control

• Pressuring or guilt-tripping you into doing things against your will (e.g., “If you cared about me, you would cancel your plans to be with me”).
• Attempting to control your decisions.

Unwarranted Criticism

• Belittling your choices, appearance, or achievements. 
• Their “constructive criticism” often feels hurtful and lacks genuine support.

Double Standards

• Holding you to impossible expectations while readily violating their own. 
• Making excuses for their bad behavior but judging yours harshly.

Unreliable and Flaky

• Canceling plans last minute.
• Forgetting important events.
• Showing disregard for your time and commitments.
• Breaking trust or gossiping behind your back (e.g., sharing personal information you told them in confidence).

One-Sided Relationships

• Expecting support without reciprocating or being emotionally unavailable (e.g., always venting but never listening to your concerns).

Learn more about the signs of toxic people here.

Considering the Roots of Toxic Behavior

While toxic behaviors should not be tolerated long-term, it can be useful to reflect on what may be driving your friend’s toxicity.

If this is new or uncharacteristic behavior, explore whether they are going through a difficult period. Stressors like grief, job loss, or mental health struggles can temporarily impact relationships.

Additionally, certain conditions like ADHD or trauma can affect emotional regulation and impulsivity . Your friend may benefit from support and compassion during this time. Gently encourage counseling or other help if appropriate.

Examining root causes does not excuse harm but can provide context to better assess if positive change is possible. Momentary grace and empathy may aid that.

However, recurring toxicity without accountability or effort to improve goes beyond circumstance and requires firmer boundaries.

Decide your course of action

It is important to understand that you cannot fix your friend’s toxicity for them. No amount of giving, caring, or listening will ever be able to fix the relationship that someone has with themselves. Only they can do that.

Truly examine the emotional toll of preserving this friendship and its harmful effects on your well-being. Contemplate making a change for your own peace of mind.

You have one of two options –

(1) Communicate and enforce boundaries to minimize contact: Decide to confront your friend and resolve the problems causing this unhealthy dynamic. You may see that this is a bond better kept at a distance, interacting less frequently.

(2) Let go of the friendship: If you conclude the friendship does more injury than good, you could completely dissolve it.

That may seem drastic, but releasing a poisonous tie creates space for more positive, empowering and meaningful connections, potentially lowering stress and bringing you joy.

To make your decision, you may have to evaluate your tolerance level, which you can get a better idea of by taking our quiz at the end of this article.

Communicate and enforce boundaries

If you choose to fix the friendship, learn how to communicate and enforce boundaries below :

How to effectively communicate with your toxic friend

Addressing a toxic friend directly can feel daunting, but effective communication can lead to positive change, possibly salvaging the relationship.

Setting a positive tone in your communication involves expressing your needs and expectations in a clear, direct, and constructive manner. 

Start by calmly highlighting specific behaviors causing you distress. For instance, if constant negativity is an issue, communicate your desire for more positive and uplifting conversations. 

Articulate your feelings and concerns using “I” statements to express your experiences. Avoid accusatory language, and instead, suggest solutions or boundaries. For example: 

• “I need our friendship to be supportive, and this behavior makes it difficult.” 
• Instead of a vague “you make me feel bad,” say, “when you make jokes about my appearance, it hurts my feelings. I need you to respect my boundaries around hurtful humor.” 

Practice recognizing emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting or guilt trips. Do not engage in arguments or justifications. Simply reaffirm your boundaries. Remember, your feelings are valid. 

How to set clear boundaries with your toxic friend

Define what you will and will not tolerate. Explicitly communicating your limits and expectations helps you create respectful friendships that ensure both people feel heard and valued.  

This involves defining the qualities and behaviors you consider essential in a healthy friendship. For example, what does emotional support look like to you? Communicate these expectations with your friends. 

For instance, if your friend constantly criticizes you, express that you will not tolerate such behavior. Use “I” statements to assert your feelings without sounding accusatory.

Be specific–instead of a vague “please be nicer,” try, “I will not engage in conversations that belittle me, and I expect you to apologize when you cross that line.”

Be clear about the consequences for violating your boundaries. For example: “If you cancel plans again at the last minute, we will not be able to hang out for a while.”

Reinforce your boundaries by consistently enforcing consequences when they are crossed . 

How to limit contact and take a break from your toxic friend

If a friend’s negativity or manipulation becomes overwhelming, consider physically or emotionally distancing yourself by limiting your contact and taking a break. 

Create emotional space to reassess the relationship and its impact on your mental health. 

To carry this out effectively:

• gradually decrease communication (reduce or stop phone calls, texts, and in-person meetups);
• explain your need for space;
• use the time apart to gain clarity;
• do not feel pressured to justify it.

Remember, this is not abandonment; it is prioritizing and preserving your mental well-being, allowing you to rebuild strength and perspective.

“If you can slow down in your interactions with people whether it’s text message email in person over the phone you will have a lot more control over yourself and it will help you to better protect yourself and your energy and your anger when you are dealing with this person.” Stephanie Lyn, Life & Relationship Coach

Let Go Of The Friendship

How to safely end the friendship.

If setting boundaries has not worked and your well-being remains threatened, ending the friendship is the healthiest choice. Not all friendships can be salvaged.

Concluding the relationship involves assertive communication . Be honest and clear about your feelings, and express your decision respectfully but firmly. 

You can say something like, “Our friendship is causing me more harm than good, so I need to step back.” You do not owe them a lengthy explanation.

Cut ties in a way that minimizes confrontation but prioritizes your well-being. 

Practicing self-care after ending a toxic friendship

It is normal to feel a sense of grief after ending a toxic friendship, even if you know it was for the best. Use this time to put yourself first and meet your needs. 

Prioritizing your mental, emotional, and physical well-being involves scheduling time for activities that make you feel good and making sure they get done. 

Identify activities and practices that bring you comfort, joy, and relaxation, especially during difficult times. Incorporate them into your daily routine. 

Create a personalized self-care plan to help replenish your energy. This could include:

• spending time with supportive people;
• engaging in hobbies you enjoy;
• mindful practices like journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature;
• developing self-compassion; 
• seeking professional help if needed. 

Prioritizing self-care is not selfish; it is necessary for maintaining overall health and remaining resilient and better equipped to cultivate positive relationships.

Creating a support network after ending a toxic friendship

Having a reliable support network boosts emotional resilience. A study reviewed 38 research articles and found that supportive, high-quality friendships are positively correlated with well-being.

A robust support network validates your feelings and reinforces your capacity to make decisions in the best interest of your well-being. 

Identify allies who can offer:

• empathy, guidance, and encouragement;
• a safe space for venting;
• active listening without judgment;
• validation of your feelings.

Seek out those who have had similar experiences and can offer shared wisdom. 

Trusted friends, understanding family members, a therapist, or even colleagues can provide valuable perspectives and a compassionate ear. 

Furthermore, do not underestimate the power of online communities or support groups, where anonymity can provide extra comfort and connection. 

Healing from the impact of a toxic friend

Explore resources like books, podcasts, or support groups tailored to recovering from unhealthy relationships. These can offer valuable insights and validation. 

Recognize that certain patterns or vulnerabilities may have attracted this situation, but avoid self-blame. 

Instead explore potential personal patterns that might attract toxic friendships, and use this knowledge to empower future choices. 

Reflect on your experience and consider seeking professional help if needed. 

Cultivating self-compassion helps you release any burdens of guilt and move toward personal growth and healing:

• Treat yourself with the same compassion you would show a loved one facing a similar challenge. 
• Celebrate your courage in setting boundaries. 
• Forgive yourself for any lapses in judgment, perceived shortcomings, or decisions that led to the toxic relationship.

Practice forgiveness towards the other person, not for them, but for your own peace. 

Toxic Friendship Quiz

Ever feel drained, belittled, or manipulated after spending time with a friend? Wondering if your friend might be crossing lines?

Take this quiz to explore if your friendship might be harboring some toxicity. Be honest with yourself and answer based on your gut feeling.

For each question, choose the answer that best describes your experience with your friend.

How do you feel after spending time with your friend?

a. Energized and happy! We lift each other up.

b. Neutral, but not particularly excited or inspired.

c. Drained and emotionally exhausted. 

d. Anxious, stressed, or negative, like I am walking on eggshells.

How often do you feel criticized or judged by your friend?

a. Rarely to never. We encourage and support each other.

b. Occasionally, but usually with good intentions.

c. Often, and it feels hurtful and discouraging.

d. Constantly, to the point where I doubt myself.

Does your friend respect your boundaries and commitments?

a. Absolutely! They understand and support my needs. My boundaries are respected, and we communicate openly about them.

b. Sometimes my boundaries are forgotten or ignored, but my friend apologizes later.

c. They often disregard my boundaries or pressure me to bend them.

d. My friend constantly disregards my boundaries without remorse, and I feel unheard.

How would you describe your communication?

a. We communicate openly and honestly, addressing issues directly and respectfully.

b. Sometimes communication gets rocky, but we resolve things eventually.

c. Important issues are often avoided or swept under the rug.

d. I feel uncomfortable expressing my feelings due to fear of judgment.

Does your friend make you feel guilty or obligated to do things you are uncomfortable with?

a. Never. They understand my limits and respect my choices.

b. Very rarely, and we always discuss it beforehand.

c. Sometimes, and I feel pressured to give in to avoid conflict.

d. Often, and I feel manipulated into doing things I don’t want to.

Do you trust your friend?

a. I trust my friend completely with my secrets and confidences.

b. There have been minor breaches of trust, but we have worked through them.

c. I am hesitant to share some things due to past betrayal.

d. I cannot fully trust my friend, and they regularly break promises.

Does your friend keep secrets or gossip about you or others?

a. No way! They are trustworthy and keep my secrets.

b. Maybe once or twice, but they apologized and learned from it.

c. Occasionally, and it makes me feel anxious about being talked about.

d. Frequently, and I cannot trust them with anything personal.

Does your friend display controlling behavior?

a. My friend respects my independence and avoids manipulation tactics.

b. They might occasionally try to influence me, but it is not malicious.

c. I sometimes feel pressured to do things for them I do not want to.

d. My friend constantly tries to control my decisions and uses guilt trips.

Is your friend supportive?

a. My friend is my biggest cheerleader, celebrating my successes and supporting my goals.

b. They are generally supportive but might express some doubts.

c. Their support feels conditional or focused on themselves.

d. I rarely feel genuine support from my friend.

Is your friendship reciprocal?

a. The friendship feels balanced and supportive, with mutual effort from both sides.

b. There might be some imbalance, but it is not a major concern.

c. I feel as if I give more than I receive in the friendship.

d. My friend takes advantage of me and rarely reciprocates support.

Does your friend truly celebrate your successes and achievements?

a. Absolutely! They are one of my biggest cheerleaders and celebrate my wins.

b. They are happy for me, but sometimes express doubt or negativity.

c. They might acknowledge my success, but often downplay it or shift the focus.

d. They seem jealous or dismissive of my accomplishments. They often belittle my achievements.

Does your friendship help you grow or have a positive effect on your life?

a. The friendship motivates me to grow and inspires me to be a better person.

b. It has some positive aspects, but also hinders my progress sometimes.

c. I feel stuck and discouraged due to the negativity in the friendship.

d. The friendship is overall harmful and hinders my personal growth.

Mostly As : Your friendship seems healthy and supportive! Keep nurturing it, and enjoy your positive connection!

Some Bs or Cs : Your friendship might have some minor issues, but communication and boundary setting can strengthen it.

Multiple Cs or Ds : Watch out for warning signs! This friendship exhibits some toxic behaviors. Evaluate its impact on your well-being, and consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for guidance about this friendship.

Mostly Ds : Your friendship appears significantly toxic and is likely causing you emotional harm. Prioritize your well-being and consider taking steps to distance yourself, address the issues, or end the relationship.

Remember: This quiz is a starting point. If you are concerned about your friendship, it is always best to talk to someone you trust or seek professional help. You deserve to be in healthy and supportive relationships.

Arzt, N. (2023, December 29). Toxic Friends: 13 Signs of a toxic Friendship. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-friends/  

Dealing with a toxic friendship. (2023, September 20). ReachOut Australia. https://au.reachout.com/articles/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship  

DiveThru Team (2023, February 7). 8 Tips on How to Deal with a Toxic Friend. DiveThru. https://divethru.com/8-tips-on-how-to-deal-with-a-toxic-friend/  

Geller, L., & Blumberg, P. O. (2023, December 13). 15 signs you’re in a toxic friendship, according to experts. Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a25939904/signs-of-toxic-friendships/  

Lahad, K., & van Hooff, J. (2023). Is my best friend toxic? A textual analysis of online advice on difficult relationships. Families, Relationships and Societies, 12 (4), 572-587. Retrieved Jan 19, 2024, from https://doi.org/10.1332/204674321X16613283926068

Lindberg, S. (2023, October 13). How to know if you’re in a toxic friendship (and how to get out of it) . Headspace. https://www.headspace.com/articles/toxic-friendships  

Pezirkianidis, C., Galanaki, E., Raftopoulou, G., Μoraitou, D., & Stalikas, A. (2023). Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review with practical implications. Frontiers in Psychology, 14 . https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1059057  

Rahimah, S., Abidin, M. Z., & Fadhila, M. (2022). The Effect of toxic Relationships in Friendship on the Psychological Well-Being of Islamic University Students. Jurnal Tazkiya, 10 (2), 155–164. https://doi.org/10.15408/tazkiya.v10i2.27776

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Toxic Friendships: Signs and Coping Strategies

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10 Signs of a Toxic Friend (and How to Break Up With Them the Right Way)

Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author who advocates for accessibility and inclusivity.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

ROBERTO PERI / Image Source / Getty Images

How Can You Tell If a Friend Is Toxic?

Wait, could the toxic friend be me, how toxic friendships can impact our mental health, how to deal with toxic friends.

Friendships can be one of our greatest sources of joy in life, giving us outlets for our thoughts and feelings and making us feel seen and cared for. Quality friendships are important to our overall wellness, increasing our satisfaction in our lives.

On the other hand, friendships can also be a huge source of stress, particularly when what you give and what you get don't align. That impacts our health negatively, as much as great relationships do positively.

The word "toxic" is thrown around a lot these days, used as an insult whenever a person disapproves of someone else's behavior. But the truth is that some friendships are, indeed, toxic. "Toxic behaviors are ways of acting that demean or gaslight others and generally make them feel bad about themselves and your relationship," says Dr. Patrice Le Goy .

How can you tell if you're in a toxic friendship, and what should you do about it? Here are the signs to look out for.

If you can relate to the below, you might be friends with someone who could be considered toxic.

They Behave Selfishly

Le Goy explains that "toxic friends may only focus on themselves and their needs, and do not ask about you or ensure your needs are met." This is pretty straightforward: How much time in each hangout or call is spent on them, rather than you? Life in general should be 50:50 with friends, not always focused on one person or the other.

They're Critical of You

Do you feel like whenever you talk to your friend, they have something negative to say about you? This could be criticism of your behavior, your appearance, your relationship, your performance at work, your family, or any other element of your life. Friends are meant to uplift you, not cause you to worry you aren't good enough.

They're Too Competitive

Friendship isn't meant to have a winner! Rather, the point of friendship is support , and friends should want you to do well. If your friend behaves jealously when you tell them good news you've received, or if they constantly point out areas where they are doing better in life, those are toxic behaviors.

They Bring You Down

"You know you have a toxic friend if you notice that every time you interact with them, you feel worse than you did before," Le Goy says. This could happen because they're critical, or manipulative, or compete with you. Whatever the reason, if you walk away from your interactions feeling worse instead of better, there's a problem.

They Manipulate You

Friends shouldn't guilt one another into activities, and they should prioritize your needs as much as their own. You shouldn't leave a hangout feeling like you've done things you didn't want to just to please your friend. When you point out their manipulation to them, if they tell you you're wrong or crazy, they may be gaslighting you . That's a toxic trait too.

They Can't Be Trusted

Your secrets should be kept by your friends, and you shouldn't have to worry about that. "They may share your secrets or gossip about you with other friends. If you don’t feel that you can trust someone or that they want the best for you, they are likely a toxic friend," explains Le Goy.

The Drama Never Stops

Is there always something going on with your friend, particularly centered around how someone has wronged or is wronging them? Toxic friends take the drama with them wherever they go. This kind of self-centeredness could also be a sign of narcissism.

They're Insincere

Maybe your friend admits when they wrong you, but you don't feel like their apology is genuine . Or maybe when they do have something nice to say to you, your instincts tell you they don't really mean it. They might just be saying something nice because they want something from you. Pay attention to your friend's actions, not just their words.

They're Unreliable

You should be able to count on your friends. If someone flakes on you, isn't available when you need to talk about something going on in your life, and only seems to be available when they need you, you may be dealing with a toxic friend.

Obviously, everyone has their own stuff to worry about, but true friends are willing to sacrifice some of their own time and attention in your time of need, just as you would do for them.

They Isolate You

A toxic friend may try to create distance between you and the other relationships in your life. This can be done by criticizing your partner, spreading gossip about your friends, or even speaking negatively about your coworkers. A toxic friend will do this so that you become more reliant on them, and therefore more stuck in the friendship.

Of course, before we decide our friend is the problem we should be sure that's the case. "Generally, it is easier to notice the faults in other people, rather than recognizing areas we ourselves can improve," says Le Goy. Because of this, you should take a moment to reflect on whether your friend is toxic or you are—as difficult as that may be.

Le Goy explains that the most straightforward way to do that is to reflect on the other relationships in your life, outside of this one. "A good way to recognize if you are the problem or if it is the other person is to consider how healthy your other relationships are. If you generally have positive, trusting relationships and only major issues with one person, they are likely the issue" she suggests.

If you find that most of your friendships are brief in duration, end on bad terms, or remain on the surface level altogether, you may be the one exhibiting toxic behavior.

If you are being honest with yourself, and recognize that all of your relationships except this one are healthy and fulfilling—and you feel content with them—your first thought was probably right, and your friend is the toxic one, not you.

It should be no surprise that toxic friendships are bad for us and can cause us harm. "Toxic friendships can be so damaging to our mental health," says Le Goy. She notes that humans are hardwired to seek connection and close relationships with supporting, loving people.

She says that even once we know our friendship is toxic, we still might hang on to it. We might feel loyal to our friend because they were decent in the past, or perhaps they've manipulated us into thinking that no one will have our backs as well as they do—even if their version of that isn't as great as they make it sound.

Staying in a toxic friendship is the wrong choice, even if leaving it feels like it would be very challenging. "The constant bombardment of negativity in toxic friendships can lead to depression, anxiety, and doubts about our self-worth ," says Le Goy.

Fair warning: Dealing with a toxic friend is not likely to go smoothly. The fact that your friend has already exhibited significant enough toxic behavior for you to want to end the friendship means that they probably aren't going to take any actions well. Whether you try to confront them or straight up distance yourself from the relationship, they're unlikely to let this go quietly.

"You may hope to end the friendship in an open and honest way, but that is not always possible," says Le Goy. She explains, "for example, if your friend is a narcissist, they may be unwilling to accept that they are the problem and they may even try to charm their way back into your good graces. Other types of toxic friends may attempt to turn others against you."

Knowing that it may be hard doesn't mean you should remain inactive. You may want to end the relationship, or you may wish to give your friend a chance to make amends first. Whichever approach you take, be protective of your emotional wellness.

If you know that your friend doesn't always have your best interest at heart, be sure to keep that in mind as you move through this process.

What This Means for You

Confronting a toxic friend about their behavior gives them an opportunity to improve, should you feel they deserve one, and cutting one out of your life makes space for your other, more loving friends to be closer to you. "You owe yourself the space to develop safe and healthy friendships more than you owe a toxic friend multiple opportunities to treat you poorly," says Le Goy.

What to do if your friend doesn't own up to their behavior? "If they don’t respect your decision to end the relationship, then you may have to accept that and move on without closure. Also, not respecting your decision might be the confirmation that you need that the friendship is toxic," she says.

Life is hard enough with great friends, let alone bad ones, and having friends who bring you down simply isn't worth your time or energy. With these tips, you can move forward to migrate away from the toxic behaviors of others, and have more room for friends who will treat you with kindness and love.

Amati V, Meggiolaro S, Rivellini G, Zaccarin S. Social relations and life satisfaction: the role of friends.  Genus . 2018;74(1):7.

Holt-Lunstad J, Uchino BN. Social ambivalence and disease (Sad): a theoretical model aimed at understanding the health implications of ambivalent relationships.  Perspect Psychol Sci . 2019;14(6):941-966.

By Ariane Resnick, CNC Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author who advocates for accessibility and inclusivity.

Navigating Toxic Friendships: 12 Signs, Impacts, and Strategies for Coping

Friendships are essential for our well-being and happiness, but they can also be causes of stress and negativity. Toxic friendships, in particular, can have severe impacts on our mental health and overall well-being. 

Navigating toxic friendships can be challenging, especially when you’ve spent a lot of time and energy in the relationship. However, it’s crucial to identify the signs of a toxic friendship and understand its impacts to take the necessary actions to cope with it. 

This article will explore 12 signs of a toxic friendship and discuss its impacts on mental health and well-being. We’ll also provide you with practical strategies for coping with toxic friendships and maintaining healthy relationships with those around you. So, let’s dive in!

What are the signs of a toxic friendship?

It seems like you confided in a friend, but now it seems like everyone knows what you shared. It’s natural to make mistakes and accidentally let something slip, but when someone repeatedly shares your secrets, it can be a sign of a toxic friendship. This behavior shows a lack of concern for your feelings and can be damaging to the relationship.

• 2. Make You Feel Nervous

When someone’s behavior is unpredictable, it does not always mean they are toxic. However, if their actions have the potential to cause harm or feel abusive, it’s best to be cautious. 

For instance, if they tend to get extremely angry over trivial matters like leaving the TV on or not returning a borrowed jacket, and then act as if nothing happened the next minute, it can make you feel uncomfortable around them. In such cases, it’s important to be aware of their actions and take necessary precautions to protect yourself.

• 3. They Tend to Compare You to Other People

Do you have a friend who always compares you to their other friends? The size of your apartment or how you dress makes them feel like hanging out with you is less fun. 

However, every person has unique traits and differences, and a true friend will be able to appreciate this. They won’t compare you to others or make you feel inferior to someone else. In addition, they won’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want.

• 4. They Try to Change You

It’s important to have friends who accept you for who you are. It’s important to consider whether someone attempting to alter aspects of your personality or behavior is a good friend. A genuine friend will offer assistance and motivation if you seek their advice on changes you wish to make.

For instance, if you struggle in social settings, a good friend might invite you to their game night to introduce you to some new people in a relaxed environment.

• 5. They Put You Down

It’s not uncommon for friends to tease each other playfully, and this kind of behavior is usually harmless, as long as both parties are having a good time. However, if a friend consistently puts you down and makes you feel terrible, whether through subtle negging or outright insults, then it’s likely that your friendship is not a positive or healthy one.

• 6. Fake Apology

When you confront them about their conduct, they dismiss your concerns with a casual “sorry” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” without genuinely reflecting on your viewpoint. 

Moreover, they may even defend themselves with a “but” clause after apologizing, as in “I’m sorry I offended you, but it was only a joke.” These types of non-apologies imply that the person is indifferent to how their actions impact her.

• 7. They Leave you Unsettled

Spending time with a close friend should typically bring about positive feelings. However, you might experience uneasiness or discomfort when spending time with a specific friend without being able to pinpoint the reason. 

If you find yourself feeling relieved instead of disappointed after spending time with them and don’t look forward to seeing them again, it’s worth examining your friendship for other signs that something isn’t quite right.

• 8. They always value themselves more than you

Have you ever come across a friend who seems to be there for you only in good times? They appear out of nowhere when everything is going smoothly or when they require something from you, but when you’re going through tough times, they’re nowhere to be found. 

Additionally, some friends may ramble for an extended period about their problems. After they’ve finished, they may ask how you’re doing before rapidly changing the subject back to themselves.

• 9. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

In order to maintain healthy relationships, it’s important to establish and respect boundaries with your friends. If someone consistently disregards the boundaries you set, it could be a sign of toxicity. 

Keep in mind that a lack of boundaries can also be a characteristic of codependent friendships, where individuals become too intertwined and lack independence. If boundaries are not properly maintained, the bond between friends can become uncomfortably intense and unhealthy. Remember to prioritize your well-being by setting and enforcing clear boundaries in your friendships.

• 10. They Always Blame You

Individuals who exhibit toxic behavior often struggle with accepting responsibility for their actions and acknowledging their mistakes. As a result, they may resort to blaming others, including their partners, for any shortcomings or issues within the relationship. It’s important to recognize and address these patterns healthily and constructively.

In any healthy relationship, trust plays a vital role. If you have doubts about your friend’s trustworthiness, it’s likely because you sense something toxic in your friendship. Loyalty is a significant factor, and it’s a sign of toxicity if you can’t rely on your friend for support or confidentiality. Recognizing these warning signs and avoiding toxic friendships is essential to maintain healthy relationships.

• 12. They Never Seem Happy for You

A true friend will always be happy with your accomplishments and celebrate those wins with you. However, with fake friends, there is often a hidden feeling of jealousy that they try to suppress, as they do not want you to outshine them. 

In some cases, a toxic friend may even deliberately sabotage your success due to this sense of competition and envy. They may continuously try to bring you down or discourage you from doing things that are beneficial for your growth.

• What are the Effects of Toxic Friendships?

When we surround ourselves with toxic friends, it can take a toll on our well-being, and unfortunately, the impact is often negative. If we spend time with individuals who disregard our emotions, it can eventually have an adverse effect on our emotional and physical health.

• You might feel neglected and ignored if you are in a toxic friendship. Despite your efforts to plan outings together, you are often excluded from group activities, and your messages are left unanswered.
• If you find yourself dwelling on negative interactions, it can be challenging to shake off those unpleasant feelings, even when you’re not around the person. This can leave you feeling tense, irritable, and not your best self. 
• You may not experience the support and empathy that you need. You might feel unimportant when your concerns are dismissed or completely disregarded when your attempts to reach out for assistance are ignored.
• If someone consistently belittles and mistreats you, you may unknowingly become accustomed to this conduct and lower your expectations.
• If someone lashes out at you, it’s natural to question your actions and assume you deserve it. You may also feel they don’t support you because you ask for help too frequently.
• It’s common for them to use manipulation tactics to achieve their goals. This behavior can leave you feeling uneasy but unable to pinpoint the exact issue. Their extreme reactions can also throw you off balance, whether it’s through laughter or yelling.
• If you begin to doubt yourself, you may feel like you’re not being a good friend to yourself. And even if you don’t start doubting, trusting others might become challenging. You might question if everyone perceives you as inadequate, uninteresting, or unhelpful, which might lead you to avoid socializing.

How Do You Get Over a Toxic Friendship?

• 1. Concentrate on Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Being stuck in a harmful friendship can cause you to feel ashamed, uncertain, or suspicious of others. If you’ve cut yourself off from other companions, you may struggle to reconnect with them.

However, you likely have some dependable friends willing to assist. Reaching out to them and sharing your circumstances can assist you in reestablishing those healthy friendships, which can contribute to your recovery.

• 2. Don’t Wait For an Apology

Toxic people often do not take responsibility for their actions. Even if they realize they have hurt you, they may not be willing to apologize or change their behavior. This can leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.

Waiting for an apology can keep you stuck in a negative cycle. You may find yourself replaying the hurtful words or actions repeatedly, which can lead to resentment and anger. It can also prevent you from moving on and finding more positive relationships.

• 3. Keep Moving Forward

It is important to remember that a toxic friendship is not healthy for you, and it is better to move forward. It can be helpful to practice self-care in order to heal from the hurt and pain of the situation. 

Take time for yourself and do special activities you enjoy, such as taking a walk, reading a book, or watching your favorite movie. Surround yourself with people and friends who make you feel supported and loved. Consider confiding in your closest friends or family members whom you trust. Share your experience with them and seek their support as you continue to move forward.

Lastly, don’t forget to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be in the situation in the first place. This will help you learn from the experience and have a more positive view of life going forward.

• 4. Have Less Contact

If you find yourself constantly wishing your friend would treat you better, it may be worth taking a break from the friendship for a while. This can give you the opportunity to sort through your feelings and gain clarity on what to do next. 

Additionally, taking time apart can allow you to see how your life looks without those people. If you notice significant improvement and feel better without the worry of seeing them, it may be a sign that ending the friendship is the best option.

• 5. Write a Letter

Writing a letter can be a helpful way to process your feelings and emotions when ending a toxic friendship. It is okay to feel hurt, angry, or sad about the end of the friendship. Write down your emotions and let yourself feel them.

Be honest about the reasons for ending the friendship. Explain why the relationship has become toxic and how it has affected you. Be clear and specific about the behaviors or actions that have hurt you.

Consider whether or not you want to send the letter. Depending on the situation, you may send the letter or keep it for yourself as a way of processing your emotions. Either way, writing the letter can be a helpful step in moving on from toxic friendships.

• 6. It’s Still Okay to Step by Your Own 

If you have identified that a friendship has become toxic, it is okay to step away. This may mean reducing contact or ending the friendship altogether. It can be difficult, but remember that you deserve to be in relationships that are healthy and uplifting.

Stepping away from a toxic friendship may also involve setting boundaries for yourself. This could include limiting contact with the friend, avoiding certain topics of conversation, or being clear about what behaviors are not acceptable to you. It can be helpful to communicate these boundaries respectfully and firmly.

• 7. Avoid Dwelling In Bitterness

When a friendship becomes toxic, it is natural to feel hurt, angry, or resentful toward the other person. However, dwelling in bitterness can ultimately be harmful to your own well-being. To avoid dwelling in bitterness in a toxic friendship, practice forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is not equivalent to overlooking or justifying the other person’s conduct. Rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the negative emotions like anger and bitterness that are hindering your progress. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time to work through your emotions.

• 8. Gather The Help of Other Friends

Getting over toxic friendships can be a difficult and emotional process, but reaching out to other friends for support can be helpful.

When seeking support from other friends, it is important to choose people who are supportive and uplifting. These may be friends who have been through similar experiences, or who simply have your best interests at heart.

Let your friends know what you are going through and what kind of support you need. This may involve venting your feelings, asking for advice, or simply spending time with someone who makes you feel good.

• 9. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Sad

Losing a close friend can be a challenging and emotional experience. It is crucial to acknowledge and accept your feelings of sorrow and grief. You should give yourself enough time to process your emotions and cope with the reality of the situation. Remember that it is common to feel upset after losing a friend, and you are not alone.

• 10. Keep Your Last Convo Brief

You may want to avoid any potential hurt feelings or awkwardness, so the best approach is often to keep your last conversation brief. It’s crucial to communicate to your friend that you cherish the quality time you’ve spent together and acknowledge their friendship, but it’s time for both of you to part ways. It can help to remind them of all the good times you shared and how much you learned from each other. 

Make sure your tone is respectful and understanding so that your friend feels heard and respected as well. Ending a friendship doesn’t have to be an ugly process; use this opportunity to reflect on all the positive moments you shared and wish them well in their future endeavors.

• How to End A Friendship : 6 Best Ways without Hurting Their Feelings
• What Is A Platonic Friendship | The Benefits & Drawbacks of having it
• Bottom Lines

Toxic friendships are relationships that are harmful and unhealthy for you. Toxic friendships come in many forms and can cause feelings of embarrassment and shame. They may have taken a toll on you, your body, and your mental health.

It’s important to define toxic friendships for yourself because there are various ways in which toxic friendships can be harmful to you. Toxic friendships can include unhealthy interactions, emotional abuse, and social isolation.

Once you have identified the friendship as toxic, taking time for yourself and distancing yourself from the other person is important. This can be difficult if you have been friends for a long time, but it will help you process your emotions and heal.

Luna Miller

I’m Luna Miller, a helpful employee at Loveable. I excel at giving great advice on birthday gifts. I love suggesting memorable experiences like concerts, spas, and getaways. As a reliable and supportive colleague, I’m always there to assist.

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Identifying Toxic Friendships: Knowing When To Step Away

Content warning: This article includes references to topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are in need of immediate support, you can contact the Crisis Text Line at any time by texting HOME to 741741. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Strong friendships can be beneficial to your mental health and overall well-being. However, like any relationship, friendships have the potential to develop draining, distressing, unhealthy, or otherwise toxic dynamics. Since this type of connection can be harmful to your health and well-being, it can be helpful to understand the warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship so you can make informed decisions that support your well-being. 

The importance of healthy friendships and social connections

A healthy friendship may offer many different kinds of benefits, such as emotional support, fun, inspiration, and a sense of belonging. Friends can help us feel seen and remind us that we’re not alone in whatever we may be facing in life, and good friends can help each other grow. Strong friendships could also have positive health impacts. For instance, consider a research review on the topic indicating that social connectedness may predict mental health overall. More broadly, the experience of chronic loneliness has been tied to a set of potential negative health outcomes that even include an increased risk of mortality, so the importance of strong social connections has never been more apparent.

However, not all friendships are created equal, and those with unhealthy dynamics may do more harm than good. They have the potential to cause stress and loneliness and damage self-esteem, and they may even contribute to the development of a mental health condition like anxiety or depression. That’s why learning to identify potentially harmful elements of a friendship or any other relationship can be so important, so you can recognize when it may be time to take a step back for your own well-being.

What is a toxic friendship?

A toxic relationship is one characterized by unhealthy behaviors and ways of interacting that harm one or both parties. Toxic relationships can exist between family members, coworkers, romantic partners, or platonic friends. Healthy friendships are usually marked by respect, mutual support, and kindness, while unhealthy or toxic friendships may feature dishonesty, insults, frequent conflict, or manipulation. Spending time in this dynamic may be emotionally exhausting and distressing.

Note that a friendship can start out positively but develop unhealthy elements over time, or these elements may show themselves from the beginning. Also note that no relationship is perfect, but that the difference between a naturally flawed human relationship and an unhealthy or toxic one usually comes down to the magnitude of the problems and how they are handled by the person(s) causing them. 

For example, occasionally bickering about a certain topic may not be cause for much concern, but having a friend erupt into an aggressive and angry tantrum when you disagree with their opinion could be dangerous and a sign to leave. Similarly, consider a situation where a friend is using a nickname for you that hurts your feelings. If you ask them to stop and they apologize and honor your request, that’s generally a sign of a healthy friendship characterized by respect and strong communication. If they continue to use it or mock you for feeling bad about it, this is likely a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Remember, if you feel that your emotional or physical safety is at risk in a relationship, you have every right to exit the situation.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

Warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship

What constitutes an unhealthy friendship may vary from case to case, depending on the individuals and the circumstances of the friendship. Generally speaking, however, the following signs may indicate an unhealthy or potentially toxic dynamic:

• Insults. Excessive insults or criticism may be a sign of an unhealthy friendship dynamic—especially if they continue after you’ve made it clear that it’s causing you distress. For example, toxic friends might put you down or insult you, only to play it off as “just a joke” or tell you that you’re being too sensitive if you raise your concerns.
• Speaking badly about you. If you find that a friend spreads rumors, makes fun, or speaks negatively about you behind your back, your friendship is unlikely to be healthy. Safe friendships are usually characterized by trust, kindness, and respect—even when you're not in the same room.
• Disrespecting boundaries. Being respectful of personal boundaries —from how often you communicate to limits on your personal space—may be considered another important feature of a healthy friendship. Someone who ignores your reasonable requests and doesn’t show care for your comfort or safety is likely a toxic friend.
• Imbalance. In a toxic friendship, you may feel as though you’re putting more into the relationship than the other person. For example, you might be providing all the emotional support or making all the plans while the other person does very little and even makes additional demands on your time or energy. If you call this to their attention and they brush it off or nothing changes, the friendship may not be in your best interest anymore.
• Frequent conflict. It’s natural for conflict to occur from time to time, but frequent or explosive fights may be cause for concern.
• Manipulation. Manipulation can take a variety of forms , such as coercion, the silent treatment, love-bombing, and gaslighting. In practice, these could look like a toxic friend making you feel guilty for spending time with other friends, attempting to weaponize the things you say, or threatening to reveal information you’ve told them in confidence. 

These are just a few examples of behaviors that could be symptomatic of a toxic friendship. Remember that the presence of one of these behaviors doesn’t automatically mean someone is a “toxic person” or that you should abandon the connection immediately. Relationships of all kinds take work and will have their ups and downs. That said, if you notice a pattern of the above behaviors in your friendship, you may want to reconsider how this connection is affecting you and whether it’s worth continuing to engage in it.

When to walk away from a toxic friendship

Deciding to take a step back from a toxic friendship may be challenging, particularly if you still care about the other person as a friend. In some cases, salvaging the friendship may be possible through practicing open communication and setting firm boundaries. The potential success of these strategies may depend on factors like your friend’s commitment to the relationship and the exact nature of the toxic dynamic. In other situations, you may find that the best thing to do for your mental health and well-being is to take a break from the friendship altogether—either temporarily or permanently. 

Getting support in managing your relationships 

Whether you decide to try and work on your friendship or step away, it’s natural to have conflicting or difficult emotions about the situation. You might find yourself experiencing feelings of guilt, confusion, frustration, sadness, anxiety, or anger, and you might go back and forth on what to do. If you’re looking for support as you decide how to handle a troubling friendship, a therapist can be a helpful person to lean on. They may be able to offer a more objective view of the situation, give advice on prioritizing your mental health, and provide a safe space to discuss your emotions about the friendship. 

That said, regularly attending in-person therapy may be challenging, especially for those who may feel drained as a result of a toxic friendship or those who are already juggling full schedules. In these cases, online therapy can represent a more convenient alternative to traditional, in-office sessions since it offers the option to meet with a licensed provider via phone or video call from the comfort of home. Since research suggests that outcomes of online and in-person therapy appear to be comparable in most cases, you can usually choose whichever format works best for you.

Relationships of any type have the potential to develop unhealthy dynamics that can be harmful to one or more participants—friendships included. Some signs that a friendship could be unhealthy or toxic include frequent insults, excessive or explosive conflict, speaking badly about one another, and disrespect of boundaries. If you’re having trouble deciding how to handle a difficult friendship, meeting with a therapist to talk it out could be helpful.

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You are here: Home » RESOLVING PROBLEMS » Toxic friends » Toxic Friends: An Interview with Florence Isaacs

Toxic Friends: An Interview with Florence Isaacs

Freelance journalist Florence Isaacs, an expert on relationships, friendship, and effective communication in business and social situations, wrote the groundbreaking book on friendship, Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (Citadel, 2003).

When I decided to write a book about fractured friendships, her book was high on my reading list; if you are interested in the topic of friendship, it should be high on yours as well. She graciously agreed to answer some of my questions about her book and about female friendships in a recent email interview.

How did you come up with the title for your book?

I loved the word “toxic” from the book “Toxic Parents,” by Susan Forward. I remembered it when thinking about a title that would grab readers and also describe what the book was about.

Do you know the origins of the term “toxic friendship”? Did you coin it?

I never heard the term “toxic friends” used before, but who knows. The world is wide and someone else may have come up with it before me.

What are some of the signs of a “toxic friendship”?

Since we’re human, no friendship is ideal all the time. We have lapses. However, a friendship is toxic if it’s regularly  unsupportive, unrewarding, unsatisfying, draining, stifling and/or unequal.

How can a woman gauge when a friendship is more trouble than it’s worth and know when to call it quits?

I think you have to draw a balance sheet. If the minuses outweigh the plusses for a long time, why continue the relationship? What are you getting out of it? Friendships are supposed to be positives in your life. There’s only so much time, and time spent in a negative friendship is time you could be spending on a more rewarding experience. In a marriage it’s possible you might choose to stick it out for the sake of the children, but that doesn’t apply in a friendship. That said, sometimes the issue is frequency. The friendship works when you see each other once or twice a year. More often sets you up for conflict. Of course there are instant friendship killers. If your friend sleeps with your spouse or partner, it’s over.

Are there any ways to avoid such negative relationships?

Don’t let irritations grow until you explode. If something your friend has said or done bothers you, talk about it and clear it up early. Often it can involve a misunderstanding or the friend didn’t mean it or realize the effect on you. Also realize there are different levels of friendship. Don’t expect the same things of a casual friend as you might in a best friend.

Is there anything else you learned from writing the book?

How valuable good friends are at all stages of life!

To find out more about Florence Isaacs and her writing, go to www.florenceisaacs.com

Tags: books , female friendships , Florence Isaacs , fractured friendships , friendship killers , negative relationships , toxic friends , Toxic Friends True Friends , toxic friendships

Category : KEEPING FRIENDS , Toxic friends

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• Are Your Friendships True Or Toxic? - the Lala | June 29, 2016

I am so happy that I came across this webpage! A little over a year ago, I went through a horrible time with someone I considered my best friend. She had some jealousy issues which I was always aware of but was never really affected by. That was until I got back in touch with some friends I had lost contact with over the years. Well that’s when the straw broke the camel’s back. I found out that she had been lying to my friends by telling them that I wanted nothing to do with them so that she could keep my friendship to herself. She was confronted by her lies and started acting really crazy and this is when things started to spin out of control.

Alot happened. Too much to go into detail here but in the end we wound up in court and she finally was out of my life. This whole experience inspired me to write, Single Latina Female, and have this book published because it was my way of telling the story for others to know that they are not alone. I learned the hard way not to avoid the obvious warning signs of a toxic friend. Now I feel like novice in the friendship department and would love to help anyone out with advice I could give.

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Essays About Friendships: Top 6 Examples and 8 Prompts

Friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts. To write a friendship essay, make this guide your best friend with its essays about friendships plus prompts.

Every lasting relationship starts with a profound friendship. The foundations that keep meaningful friendships intact are mutual respect, love, laughter, and great conversations. Our most important friendships can support us in our most trying times. They can also influence our life for the better or, the worse, depending on the kind of friends we choose to keep. 

As such, at an early age, we are encouraged to choose friends who can promote a healthy, happy and productive life. However, preserving our treasured friendships is a lifelong process that requires investments in time and effort.

6 Informative Essay Examples

1. the limits of friendships by maria konnikova, 2. friendship by ralph waldo emerson, 3. don’t confuse friendships and business relationships by jerry acuff, 4. a 40-year friendship forged by the challenges of busing by thomas maffai, 5. how people with autism forge friendships by lydia denworth, 6.  friendships are facing new challenges thanks to the crazy cost of living by habiba katsha , 1. the importance of friendship in early childhood development, 2. what makes a healthy friendship, 3. friendships that turn into romance, 4. long-distance friendship with social media, 5. dealing with a toxic friendship, 6. friendship in the workplace, 7. greatest friendships in literature, 8. friendships according to aristotle .

…”[W]ithout investing the face-to-face time, we lack deeper connections to them, and the time we invest in superficial relationships comes at the expense of more profound ones.”

Social media is challenging the Dunbar number, proving that our number of casual friends runs to an average of 150. But as we expand our social base through social media, experts raise concerns about its effect on our social skills, which effectively develop through physical interaction.

“Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party.”

The influential American essayist Emerson unravels the mysteries behind the divine affinity that binds a friendship while laying down the rules and requirements needed to preserve the fellowship. To Emerson, friendship should allow a certain balance between agreement and disagreement. You might also be interested in these articles about best friends .

“Being friendly in business is necessary but friendships in business aren’t. That’s an important concept. We can have a valuable business relationship without friendship. Unfortunately, many mistakenly believe that the first step to building a business relationship is to develop a friendship.”

This essay differentiates friends from business partners. Using an anecdote, the essay warns against investing too much emotion and time in building friendships with business partners or customers, as such an approach may be futile in increasing sales.

“As racial tensions mounted around them, Drummer and Linehan developed a close connection—one that bridged their own racial differences and has endured more than four decades of evolving racial dynamics within Boston’s schools. Their friendship als­o served as a public symbol of racial solidarity at a time when their students desperately needed one.”

At a time when racial discrimination is at its highest, the author highlights a friendship they built and strengthened at the height of tensions during racial desegregation. This friendship proves that powerful interracial friendships can still be forged and separate from the politics of race.

“…15-year-old Massina Commesso worries a lot about friendship and feeling included. For much of her childhood, Massina had a neurotypical best friend… But as they entered high school, the other friend pulled away, apparently out of embarrassment over some of Massina’s behavior.”

Research debunks the myth that people with autism naturally detest interaction — evidence suggests the opposite. Now, research is shedding more light on the unique social skills of people with autism, enabling society to find ways to help them find true friendships. 

“The cost of living crisis is affecting nearly everyone, with petrol, food and electricity prices all rising. So understandably, it’s having an impact on our friendships too.”

People are now more reluctant to dine out with friends due to the rapidly rising living costs. Friendships are being tested as friends need to adjust to these new financial realities and be more creative in cultivating friendships through lower-cost get-togethers.

8 Topic Prompts on Essays About Friendships

More than giving a sense of belonging, friendships help children learn to share and resolve conflicts. First, find existing research linking the capability to make and keep friends to one’s social, intellectual, and emotional development. 

Then, write down what schools and households can do to reinforce children’s people skills. Here, you can also tackle how they can help children with learning, communication, or behavioral difficulties build friendships, given how their conditions interfere with their capabilities and interactions. 

As with plants, healthy friendships thrive on fertile soil. In this essay, list the qualities that make “fertile soil” and explain how these can grow the seeds of healthy friendships. Some examples include mutual respect and the setting of boundaries. 

Then, write down how you should water and tend to your dearest friendships to ensure that it thrives in your garden of life. You can also discuss your healthy friendships and detail how these have unlocked the best version of yourself. 

Marrying your best friend is a romance story that makes everyone fall in love. However, opening up about your feelings for your best friend is risky. For this prompt, collate stories of people who boldly made the first step in taking their friendship to a new level.

Hold interviews to gather data and ask them the biggest lesson they learned and what they can share to help others struggling with their emotions for their best friend. Also, don’t forget to cite relevant data, such as this study that shows several romantic relationships started as friendships. 

It’s challenging to sustain a long-distance friendship. But many believe that social media has narrowed that distance through an online connection. In your essay, explain the benefits social media has offered in reinforcing long-distance friendships. 

Determine if these virtual connections suffice to keep the depth of friendships. Make sure to use studies to support your argument. You can also cite studies with contrasting findings to give readers a holistic view of the situation.

It could be heartbreaking to feel that your friend is gradually becoming a foe. In this essay, help your readers through this complicated situation with their frenemies by pointing out red flags that signal the need to sever ties with a friend. Help them assess when they should try saving the friendship and when they should walk away. Add a trivial touch to your essay by briefly explaining the origins of the term “frenemies” and what events reinforced its use. 

We all know that there is inevitable competition in the workplace. Added to this are the tensions between managers and employees. So can genuine friendships thrive in a workplace? To answer this, turn to the wealth of experience and insights of long-time managers and human resource experts. 

First, describe the benefits of fostering friendships in the workplace, such as a deeper connection in working toward shared goals, as well as the impediments, such as inherent competition among colleagues. Then, dig for case studies that prove or disprove the relevance and possibility of having real friends at work.

Whether it be the destructive duo like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, or the hardworking pair of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, focus on a literary friendship that you believe is the ultimate model of friendship goals. 

Narrate how the characters met and the progression of their interactions toward becoming a friendship. Then, describe the nature of the friendship and what factors keep it together. 

In Book VIII of his Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle writes about three kinds of friendships: pleasure, utility, and virtue. Dive deeper into the Greek philosopher’s mind and attempt to differentiate his three types of friendships. 

Point out ideas he articulated most accurately about friendship and parts you disagree with. For one, Aristotle refutes the concept that friendships are necessarily built on likeness alone, hence his classification of friendships. Do you share his sentiments? 

Read our Grammarly review before you submit your essay to make sure it is error-free! Tip: If writing an essay sounds like a lot of work, simplify it. Write a simple 5 paragraph essay instead.

Yna Lim is a communications specialist currently focused on policy advocacy. In her eight years of writing, she has been exposed to a variety of topics, including cryptocurrency, web hosting, agriculture, marketing, intellectual property, data privacy and international trade. A former journalist in one of the top business papers in the Philippines, Yna is currently pursuing her master's degree in economics and business.

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Relationships

“We’ve both grown, just not together.”

It isn’t always necessary to send a text to end a friendship. If you and a pal have drifted apart, you’ll probably reach out less and less often until it gets to the point where you no longer speak. This is the natural progression of many friendships as people get older, grow, and change — and that’s OK.

There are, however, quite a few circumstances where you may want to break up with a friend so that you can truly move on. In situations where a friendship is no longer in your best interests, it can be tempting to ghost or send an insincere text like, “Hey, I’m super busy but I would love to hang out when things calm down,” says mental health counselor Bernie Crowl, MHC-LP . But if you truly can’t see yourself getting together again, figuring out what texts to send to end a friendship is tough, but can ultimately spare their feelings.

You might also want to end a friendship over text if the person is toxic or draining to be around. Do they pick fights? Bring you down? Or have they betrayed your trust? “Texting can be used as an effective tool for creating a safe boundary as it reduces the ways in which the person can try to manipulate you,” says trauma-informed therapist Dr. Amelia Kelley . “By not being in person, or even on the phone, you can remain more grounded and choose how much of the interaction to participate in.” Once you end the friendship, you can block them and move on.

While it’s never easy to call off a friendship , sometimes it’s for the best. If you’re not sure where to start, these therapist-approved texts can help you break up with your old friend.

“I appreciate the invite, but my interests have shifted in the past few years and I just feel like we’ve drifted apart.”

Let’s say that one of your old party friends is really excited to get back into the bars now that they’re vaccinated, but you’ve come to appreciate quiet nights at home or have decided that you no longer want to drink . If they keep pressuring you to go out, Crowl recommends sending a text like this one to let them know where you stand.

“It’s hard to say this but I have to be honest and put myself first and not continue this friendship.”

If this friend doesn’t build you up like they used to — or if they actively tear you down — don’t hesitate to send this type of text. You don’t have to go into detail, especially if the other person doesn’t mean any harm. According to licensed behavioral therapist Sherese Ezelle, LMHC , you can still gently let them know that you won’t be available to hang out going forward.

“Due to recent conflict, I’m choosing to end this friendship.”

A text breakup like this one makes the most sense following a betrayal or big argument. If you’re feeling hurt or drained, send it and be done. “They may ask for further clarification but it is truly your choice whether or not you want to share anything further,” Kelley says. “No is a complete sentence and a boundary does not have to be justified.”

“I feel like this friendship isn’t healthy for me.”

If you don’t want to go into the details, Kelley says this text may be a good choice. “Again, you’re being clear and concise,” she says. “There is no need to justify why the relationship is hurting you unless you want to share those feelings.” If the friend gives you a hard time or doesn’t respect your boundaries, hit “block”.

“I want to be completely transparent. I’ve been feeling angry since we saw each other. This tends to happen when we spend time together, so I can no longer engage in this friendship.”

Here’s a similar text that’ll help explain where you’re at, says mental health therapist Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC . If the friend keeps pressing you to hang out, you may want to send it as a firm way to call things off once and for all.

The last thing you want is to lead someone on, Griffin says, especially if the person doesn’t realize that they’re tough to hang out with. While you don’t have to list all of their flaws, you can certainly share how you feel and why you need to back away.

“I need space from our friendship. Distance will help both of us understand who and what is important to us."

According to Dr. Easton Gaines , a licensed psychologist, it’s as important to define a friendship as it is to define a relationship . “Knowing how you feel and why you feel that way is paramount,” she tells Bustle. “What is your friend doing or not doing that is bothering you? How is this making you feel? Are you saddened, offended, frustrated?”

Send this text and then take some time to assess. If you do decide to move on, allow yourself to experience any tough emotions that arise. “It is likely that you have been reeling over this decision for quite some time,” Gaines says. “Once processed, which may be helpful with professional guidance, you will have a better appreciation for your limits and essentials.”

“I haven’t heard from you in forever and it really hurt my feelings.”

Sometimes folks have a good reason for going silent. If your friend has been busy dealing with their life, you may find that you’re able to give them space until they’re ready to reach out again. (Remember, think about how you’d want to be treated.)

That said, it’s also completely valid to feel hurt by a friend’s ongoing silence, especially if they left you hanging without explanation. In that case, Ezelle recommends sending a text like this one: “Not talking to you during this time really hurt my feelings, and I feel like in our friendship we should both be important.” Then let them know you’ll be focusing on your own needs going forward.

“We’ve both grown so much, but not together.”

Here’s another gentle way to let a friend know you want to go your separate ways . Ezelle says this is a simple, to-the-point way of calling off a friendship that’ll allow you to move on without leaving your friend to wonder what happened.

“Life has changed so much for me. I’ve done some self-reflecting and I think stepping back out into the world will look different for me.”

According to psychotherapist Lillyana Morales, LMHC , this is a great text to send when you want to shift who you interact with. If you’ve spent some time working on yourself — perhaps by going to therapy — you may realize that some old friendships no longer align with the new you.

You may want to follow up with a longer explanation, Morales says, like this one: “I wanted to reach out to let you know that I thought of you, and if I haven't said it in a while — I've appreciated all of history and memories we've created. I feel [emotion word]. I hope as you navigate these next chapters, you'll find a sense of [happiness, joy, contentment, satisfaction, etc.].”

“I care about you but being in this relationship is not something I’m able to focus on right now.”

If your circumstances have changed, Ezelle suggests sending this text as a way to let an old pal know you’ll be focusing your attention elsewhere.

You don’t have to rub it in or explicitly say you’ve moved on, but you should let them know you won’t be available going forward, especially if you know for sure that you won’t ever see them again.

“I feel like you don’t value me as a friend.”

According to licensed clinical professional counselor Shawnessa Devonish, LCPC, NCC , this text is the ideal way to cut things off with a friend who’s repeatedly let you down. While many friendships are reparable, especially if you have a heart-to-heart conversation, it’s often best to let go of connections that make you feel bad.

“In general, you may want to end a friendship if you experience intense feelings of betrayal or rejection as a result of their actions,” Devonish tells Bustle. “Due to this, it may be best to end the friendship, even if it is through text, to prevent yourself from developing any severe abandonment wounds .”

“I need to spare myself further discomfort.”

If this person is truly toxic , make sure you word the text in a way that can’t be misinterpreted. Relationship expert Sameera Sullivan suggests sending a message like this one: “I am mentally drained and have decided to spare myself from more discomfort by distancing myself from you. The decision has already been made, so please know that nothing can convince me otherwise at this point. Please don’t reach out again."

"I've tried to have this conversation in person many times. But it's clear you aren't hearing me. I don't want to be friends anymore."

Relationship therapist Jordan Pickell, MCP RCC recommends this text if the friend isn’t listening or if they keep crossing boundaries. “Maybe you've tried to talk about your differences face-to-face and they aren't hearing you, so you've decided to switch modes of communication,” she tells Bustle. In this scenario, a text may help them understand.

“I appreciate your patience, but I’m not ready to be around others just yet. I just need a little space. I hope you understand.”

If you’re going through a rough patch in your life, send a text like this one to let a friend know where you stand. “Be upfront and honest with your feelings,” says counselor Brianna Wolf , noting it’ll help them fully understand why you’ve been MIA so they can give you the space and support you need.

While it might feel as if you want to call off the friendship, you may feel a lot better once you take some time to yourself. That’s why there’s no need to be black and white about every connection. Instead, let the friend know you need time to figure things out, then see how you feel in the future.

“I’m down for coffee.”

You may also decide that you’d like to remain friends, just not in the same capacity. “Sometimes a friendship breakup is about changing the level of intimacy,” Pickell says. “Maybe you're OK to attend the same gatherings, but you don't want a one-on-one relationship anymore. Maybe you are open to a relationship in the future. It's helpful to be clear about that.”

Bernie Crowl, MHC-LP , mental health counselor

Dr. Amelia Kelley , trauma-informed therapist

Sherese Ezelle, LMHC , licensed behavioral therapist

Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC , mental health therapist

Dr. Easton Gaines , licensed psychologist

Lillyana Morales, LMHC , psychotherapist

Shawnessa Devonish, LCPC, NCC , licensed clinical professional counselor

Sameera Sullivan , relationship therapist

Jordan Pickell, MCP RCC , relationship therapist

Brianna Wolf , counselor

This article was originally published on May 2, 2021

Essay on Effect of Bad Friends

Students are often asked to write an essay on Effect of Bad Friends in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Effect of Bad Friends

Introduction.

Friends are an essential part of our lives. They influence our behavior and decisions. Bad friends, however, can have a negative impact on us.

Effects on Behavior

Bad friends can lead us to adopt harmful habits. They may encourage lying, cheating, or even bullying, which can harm our character.

Impact on Academics

Bad friends might not value education. They could distract us from our studies, leading to poor academic performance.

Influence on Mental Health

Being with bad friends can cause stress and anxiety. It can lead to a feeling of constant pressure to fit in.

Choosing the right friends is important. Good friends help us grow, while bad friends can lead us astray.

250 Words Essay on Effect of Bad Friends

Friendships, an integral part of human life, significantly influence one’s personality and life choices. However, not all friendships are beneficial. The negative impact of bad friends can be profound and long-lasting, affecting various aspects of one’s life.

Psychological Impact

Bad friends can have a detrimental psychological impact. They may encourage harmful behaviors such as substance abuse, bullying, or dishonesty. Such behaviors can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Moreover, they can distort one’s perception of normality, making harmful behaviors seem acceptable.

Academic Consequences

Bad friends can also affect academic performance. Students may be persuaded to neglect their studies in favor of unproductive activities. This can lead to poor academic performance, limiting future opportunities and career prospects.

Social Implications

The social implications of bad friendships are significant. Bad friends can isolate individuals from their families and positive peer groups, leading to a sense of alienation. This isolation can further exacerbate negative behaviors and mental health issues.

In conclusion, bad friends can have a devastating impact on an individual’s psychological well-being, academic performance, and social life. It is crucial to recognize the signs of a toxic friendship and take steps to distance oneself. After all, the quality of friendships is more important than quantity. Choosing friends wisely is not just about personal happiness, but also about mental health and future success.

500 Words Essay on Effect of Bad Friends

Friendship is a fundamental human need that shapes our social and emotional development. However, not all friendships are beneficial. Negative relationships, often characterized by manipulation, disrespect, and harmful influence, can have profound effects on an individual’s life. This essay explores the impact of bad friends on various aspects of a person’s life.

The Psychological Impact

Bad friends can have a significant psychological impact. Often, they are manipulative and exploit vulnerabilities for personal gain, leading to a decrease in self-esteem and self-worth in the victim. This manipulation can result in feelings of worthlessness and a distorted self-image. Additionally, bad friends can foster a toxic environment that fuels anxiety and depression, leading to a decline in mental health.

Influence on Behavior and Decision Making

Friends play a substantial role in shaping an individual’s behavior and decision-making process. Bad friends can lead one down a path of destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, academic dishonesty, and criminal activities. The desire to fit in or gain approval can make one susceptible to peer pressure, compelling them to make poor decisions that they might not have considered otherwise.

Impact on Personal Growth and Development

Bad friends can hinder personal growth and development. They can stifle individuality and discourage positive change, keeping their friends in a state of stagnation. This can limit one’s potential and prevent them from achieving their goals. Furthermore, bad friends often lack empathy and understanding, which can lead to a lack of emotional growth and maturity.

Effect on Other Relationships

The influence of bad friends extends beyond the individual, affecting their relationships with others. Their toxic behaviors can strain relationships with family members and other friends, leading to isolation. Additionally, they can instill negative perceptions of others, causing one to develop unhealthy relationships based on distrust and manipulation.

The impact of bad friends is far-reaching, affecting psychological well-being, behavior, personal growth, and other relationships. It is crucial to recognize the signs of a bad friendship and take steps to distance oneself from such toxic influences. Building a network of positive, supportive, and uplifting friends can counteract the negative effects and promote healthier emotional and social development. As the saying goes, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so choosing our friends wisely is of paramount importance.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

• Essay on Childhood Friend
• Essay on A Day Out With Friends
• Essay on Trees are Our Best Friends

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My comment is that we should not keep bad company It’s not good

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8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship

You're always wondering what's going to happen next..

Posted March 25, 2016 | Reviewed by Devon Frye

• Honesty is important in any relationship, but friends who are also unkind can be toxic.
• A relationship is toxic when one person is less invested than the other.
• Toxic friendships can cause one to feel anxious, experience headaches and stomachaches, or have a hard time getting out of bed.

8 Strategies for Dealing With the Toxic People in Your Life By Peg Streep

Thank you to one of my good friends—Sharon Livingston, Ph.D., who co-wrote this post with me.

A best friend can bring great joy, comfort, solace, and fun to your life. People are pack animals. They love to roam together and need friends to thrive—friends that share the good times and offer support in the bad.

Great friendships extend life. A 10-year-long Australian study showed that participants with solid friend groups were 22 percent more likely to live longer.

Unfortunately, a bad friend can have the opposite effect, yielding increased vulnerability to all the stress -related body signs—higher blood pressure, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), lowered immunity, higher blood sugar, depression , anxiety ; the list goes on. But how do you know if you’re in a friendship that’s affecting your health and killing your spirit? (In the following examples, "her" applies equally to "him" if your best friend is a guy.)

1. You find yourself in a competition with her other “best friends.”

What? Her other best friend gives her more? Does fun things you can’t? Has things in common with her that you would never want? And why do you know this about her other friend, anyway?

2. There’s an imbalance in talk time—all for the friend, none for you.

You call her and she tells you about how lousy her day has been, or how great her day was. Then you start telling her about what’s happening with you and... she apologizes but has to get off the phone because—well, she has many reasons why. But the reality is that she leaves without having listened to you, your concerns, or your joys.

3. Your best friend blurts out criticism with a self-righteous attitude.

Honesty is important in any relationship. But what happened to kindness ? What’s this idea about brutal truth being something to aspire to? It’s still brutal —and damaging.

She tells you, “You know, you are just too needy. It’s like you’re a stalker always coming after me.” What? No wonder you feel awful. Be sure you realize that her mean words probably are projections—that is, more accurate as descriptions of how she is than as descriptions of you.

4. Who calls whom?

Are you calling or texting her far more often than she reaches out to you? Do you feel like you’re more interested in talking and getting together than she is? Relationships get toxic when the other person isn’t as invested in you as you are in them. The opposite—feeling stalked by a friend's incessant demands on your time—can be disturbing as well.

5. Your best friend tells you that you need to change.

But what about her? She sees no need to even recognize her own shortcomings, never mind change them. It’s about what’s wrong with you . If only you changed, it would be fine. She’s not interested in seeing what she brings to the party—just in pointing fingers of criticism and blame on you.

6. You’re walking on eggshells.

At first, it was so fun to be with her. You laughed, you commiserated, it was such an enjoyable connection. Then, something changed. She flipped. It’s so easy to get into trouble with her now. Better be careful. But then you start being overly careful, watching every word to avoid saying the wrong thing.

7. You’re riding an emotional roller coaster with your friend at the controls.

It started out as an amazing connection and you felt so bonded. But now, you can no longer predict what to expect. You always worry that she’s going to react negatively or get upset with you. When it’s good, it’s great. But then, for some unknown reason, you land on her enemies list, and... what’s going to happen next?

You feel uncomfortable, worried, scared, and off-balance. You think about her from a one-down position. And then something wonderful happens—suddenly she's full of appreciation for you again and you’re flying high. What were you worried about? Everything is fine. Then, the next day, you can’t get in touch with her. The inconsistency and lack of predictability leave you doubting everything. It’s crushing. Your self-esteem soars and then plummets.

8. The stress starts to settle in your body.

You’re somaticizing, actually feeling ill as the stress impacts your body. You get back aches, neck pain—maybe she's really a pain in the neck? Instead of feeling bolstered by your connection, you start feeling weakened. Your body continues reacting. You feel anxious, experience headaches and stomach upset, or have a hard time getting out of bed.

When you’re in a great friendship, it boosts your immune system. But toxic friendships are sickening. While relationships often have ups and downs, if you're on a wild ride, you may want to think about hopping off before you turn green. Friends are supposed to add to your life, not take away from it.

Sharon Livingston, Ph.D., is a psychologist, coach, business marketing consultant, and president of the ICCA (the International Coach Certification Alliance). She is the author of Get Lost, Girlfriend!: How I Found Myself When My Best Friend Dumped Me .

Susan Heitler, Ph.D ., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two . She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

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Toxic Friends Essay Example

• Pages: 3 (644 words)
• Published: September 3, 2016
• Type: Essay

Friendship is the most wonderful relationship that anyone can have. Ideally a friend is a person who offers love and respect and will never leave or betray you. Friendship is a beautiful bond that requires a lot of work. A Friendship is a gift from god.

Good morning to my educator and follow classmates my topic for discussion is the true meaning of friendship in the world we live in today

Life's sloppy...You think you know how tomorrow's going to be, you've made your plans, everything is set in place, and then the unimaginable happens. Life catches you by surprise. It always does. But there's good mixed in with the bad. It's there. You just have to recognize it.”

The world has become much more interdependent so that

our friends succeeding can now harm us as much as our enemies threatening, and our rivals collapsing can hurt us as much as their rising. It’s a world where a cheap YouTube video made by an individual can cause us so much trouble. People have also changed. Humans display dark qualities such as envy, greed, resentment, desire to dominate, Money crazy, Unreliability, these cause bad friendships which are also known as toxic friendships

Toxic friendships stresses you out, uses you, are unreliable, demand too much, and don't give anything back. After spending time in these sorts of friendships you are likely to feel bad about yourself instead of good. Your toxic friend might be someone who tends to be critical of you. Or they might be a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good fo

If you’re trying to work out if you are in a toxic friendship; there are a few things you can look out for. Toxic friendships can often involve your friend: generally having an angry attitude toward life gossiping about others reminding you of your past failures acting in a manipulative way. What to do about toxic friendships Start taking better care of yourself and make your own wellbeing more important than the toxic friendship. You don’t want to become a negative influence for yourself or others because you haven’t been looking after yourself!

Say no when they ask you for something that you don't want to give, and point out to them when they are mean or critical to you. You don’t have to feel put down or be unhappy because of someone else, and good friends don’t make you feel that way. If they really care about you, they won’t want to hurt you and will be willing to change their behaviour. Remember fake friends can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy. Some of the reasons why friendships change are:

1. Additional Love – When friendship is based on some kind of social, financial or professional "benefit" from the other, the equations change as soon as the "benefits" disappear

2. The Chanakya Effect - Chanakya said that true friendship only blossoms when it’s between equals. When a friend becomes more successful than the other, comparison starts to set in.

3. Three is crowd - a third person can very well influence a friendship. 4. Ego Battles - Everyone has an ego. Friendship requires ego

sacrifice. Unfortunately ego is like an elastic rubber-band. It can only be stretched to a certain extent.

5. Communication Breakdown - when people stop talking to each other openly, misunderstandings start growing. Misunderstandings slowly become mistrust. Friendship is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast, a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. A friend to all is a friend to none

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Leaving CNN Was How I Found My Voice

By Brooke Baldwin

“I want to punch you in the face.”

Yes, those words actually came out of my mouth. Like, out loud. A couple months ago. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit I was talking to my loving partner, Peter. He had just flown across the country and was set to wake up with me at four-something in the morning so that he could accompany me to my appearance on Good Morning America. I was going back on national TV for the first time since I’d signed off from my CNN show. I would be talking about the debut of my new Netflix show, The Trust . This was a big deal. In many ways, it felt like a rebirth. But that night before, I hadn’t been in a celebratory mood.

I was pissed off. I felt violent. I felt like I was going to explode. I am now in the process of understanding why, and this deep knowing has enabled me to change everything in my life.

I am not an angry person. Or maybe I am. There I go, silencing myself again.

When I signed off from CNN Newsroom on April 16, 2021, I couldn’t tell the whole truth. I wasn’t allowed to—and probably still am not. But I’m now on the other side of a profound life moment, of my unraveling.

This story really begins during my senior year of college, when my mother and I drove up to a strange house about a half hour from where I grew up in Atlanta. I was 21. Outside the house was my father’s silver Porsche. Inside the house was my father, with a woman who was not my mother. I reached for the car door to run into the house, to do or say I don’t know what. With my leg dragging out the passenger door, I screamed at my mother to stop the car and let me out. Instead she sped away, the passenger door slamming shut. Just recently, a friend told me my mom saved me that day: Had I gotten out of that car, I would have spent the rest of my life trying to unsee what I’d seen.

For years I watched my mother keep her mouth shut. I held on to that secret and said nothing about, or to, my father. This would be just the beginning of carrying bigger secrets and allowing myself to be muzzled —or rather, as I’m now learning, muzzling myself.

Ironic (or not) that I chose a career in TV journalism, which saw me wear a microphone to amplify the voiceless for a living. Problem was, I didn’t use my own. I see it all so clearly now: I rarely spoke up for myself.

CNN was always the dream. For 10 years it put me in millions of living rooms, allowing me to cover everything from the White House to school shootings to the pandemic. I became known for giving you the news, straight up, with dignity and compassion. And—after the 10 years I spent climbing the ranks of local news to get to the big leagues—I was good at it.

I was living my dream and saying yes to everything. YES to oil spills. YES to elections. Coal mine disasters. Hurricanes. Escaped inmates. Gun legislation. Yes to everything, yes to everyone.

I never said no. There would have always been someone hungrier and more telegenic if I had.

Behind the scenes, my yes-girl behavior was starting to snowball. CNN moved me from Atlanta to New York, but my producing team stayed behind; we would work long-distance. I could feel my tether to my executive producer begin to fray.

It wasn’t always like this. In fact, those first few years working together were pretty great. We bounced ideas off each other. We got excited about similar news stories. I adored his wife and kids—and he always knew whom I was dating. Our relationship was almost as sibling-like as it was collegial.

But after my move, our working relationship started to take a drastic turn. My producer made me feel as though I couldn’t do heavy-hitting interviews without him. Or, maybe, I allowed him to make it feel like I couldn’t do heavy-hitting interviews without him. The word gaslighting has become so cliché, but that’s what it felt like. Manipulation. Bullying.

Anyone who’s ever tried long-distance in any kind of relationship, romantic or professional, knows it wears on you. My producer was read-in on the news at all times—it was his job. When you work at any cable news network, email comes in fast and furiously. Sometimes that meant I would accidentally miss his emails. And I started to notice that if I didn’t respond to those emails right away, he would go dark.

Even worse, sometimes he would go dark during my live broadcasts. In front of hundreds of thousands of people. There would be days when I’d get on set, clip on my microphone, and slip my earpiece into my right ear. No “hello.” No check-in. Instead, I’d be greeted by someone less seasoned.

With live TV, there should always be a palpable sense of “I’ve got you” —which goes both ways between anchor and executive producer. I had to learn how to rely on myself and others to move through the show without him.

Sometimes he needed to communicate urgently with me—for instance, if he had gotten word there’d be a press conference and wanted me to know I’d need to ad-lib coming out of it. But depending on his mood, he might refuse to actually speak into my ear, instead writing me notes on the teleprompter during commercial breaks.

By Bess Levin

By Savannah Walsh

By Molly Jong-Fast

I got into a bad habit. I never picked up the phone and said something—like really said something. Not to him. And I didn’t report up the chain of command. I was the good girl. Good girls smile, are grateful for our jobs, and keep our mouths shut. We definitely don’t speak up.

Everything changed for me the day in 2015 when Donald Trump came down that escalator. In the years that followed, I was not only pushed out of alignment with what news had become and how I was being told to cover it; I was also changed. I got curious about the legions of women who, as a direct result of that election, finally decided to speak up.

In 2018, I started researching my book, Huddle , about the collective power of women. I spent weekends during one of the most insane news cycles of our lifetime interviewing Black women judges in Texas; a queer chef from San Francisco; military badasses turned congresswomen—athletes, teachers, activists, mothers. Women who knew real marginalization and discrimination. I’m a privileged white woman, and yet that’s when I started to find my voice.

“No, I don’t want to cover that today.”

“No, I’d like to interview her instead of him.”

“No, I will not be spoken to like that.”

Despite my own narrative that I “needed” my producer, I knew I needed to figure it out without him. And I knew that I could.

In November 2019, I finally walked into my boss’s office. I told Jeff Zucker, the former president of CNN, that I wanted my producer off my team. I didn’t want him to be punished—just moved to another anchor to start anew. A male colleague had made a similar request with success. My request? Denied.

Little did I know, this was the beginning of the end for me.

A few weeks later, I got called back into the boss’s office with my then agent, who’d prepared me with something like, “Brooke, your boss is furious at you. What have you done?!” I’d had a lovely relationship with Jeff up until this point. I’d even danced with him at my wedding. Now I found myself standing in his office dumbfounded, but prepared to defend myself and my integrity.

I couldn’t help but wonder: Why was I even sitting there? Why did I suddenly feel like the third wheel with my executive producer and my boss? Had I inadvertently kicked a hornet’s nest? All because I had gone over my producer’s head to the big boss? It didn’t make sense. I wasn’t accusing this guy of any kind of misconduct. Just as I’d told Jeff, our working relationship had run out of track.

Instead of addressing me right away, my boss engaged in the longest five-minute conversation of my life—not with me, but with my agent. The topic: whether Anderson Cooper, another of her clients, was happy with the view out of his new office.

I stood there waiting to hear my fate.

What the fucking fuck.

Textbook power move. I just stood there. Paralyzed. In fear? In shame?

Then Jeff turned to me and threatened, “I could give your show to someone in Washington tomorrow. ” [ Long pause ] “But I won’t…because I believe you’re the best broadcaster on this network.” He told me that I needed my executive producer and that he would not remove him.

Whiplash. Instability. Another classic play. I’d lost. Some months later, the pandemic hit. I got a severe case of COVID early, and my sickness became national news. I was getting alerts about myself. Thousands of viewers reached out to me and showed me so much love. But what they didn’t know was that, in addition to my health, I was fighting for my own self-respect.

To summarize the next year: With very little explanation (read: some excuse about “not enough available control rooms” to produce my show), my boss yanked me off the air for the two months leading up to and including Election Day 2020. When people understandably started asking why I was “taking vacation” during such a crucial time, I responded to a random, buried comment on Instagram: “Not my choice.”

My three little words made news around the globe. So I got slapped again. When I got my show back, Jeff cut it in half. This time I kept my mouth shut. “Be grateful,” Jeff had once told me over lunch a year or two before, while we were in contract negotiations. “Don’t be like Megyn Kelly. Don’t you dare get bored.”

Why didn’t I leave earlier? For one thing, that little girl deep inside of me would have been disappointed. She and I, we lived in small-town West Virginia. We dated the wrong guys. We put off having kids. The hustling. We can’t quit now. We worked too hard for this. This was our dream.

CNN beat me to it. In January 2021, the morning Trump was impeached for a second time, my cell phone rang. It wasn’t my boss —rather, it was my agent.

Jeff wanted me out. No explanation. Just out. From that moment on, after I’d spent 13 years at CNN, Jeff never spoke to me again. Neither did my former executive producer, who ended up getting moved to another show for COVID-protocol reasons and then eventually promoted. (When I emailed them to let them know I’d be publishing this piece, offering each of them a chance to comment on or dispute my recollections, Jeff’s publicist responded by saying that “he wishes you all the best.” My old producer never responded.)

After 10 years: crickets. And the worst part? I had to lie to my team, my friends and family, and my viewers.

My lawyer and publicist worked hard to negotiate my exit, fighting to allow me to announce my own news on my own show. In February, I got to do exactly that. My end date was mutually agreed upon—coincidentally coming less than two weeks after I would be publishing my first book. Eventually, I did an interview with the Ms. magazine podcast during which I called out gender inequality at CNN. Another phone call from my agent. Another “Jeff is going nuclear.” This time he was apparently threatening to yank me off the air. My response: “But he’s already yanking me off the air!” My then agent: “He is threatening to yank you even sooner.” He didn’t.

Through my final days at CNN, I was so allergic to the idea of that man that instead of risking running into him on the way to the bathroom, I contemplated peeing in a Gatorade bottle in my office.

Everything was upside down.

On my last day at the network, after I said my goodbyes, I slipped out the literal side door of the building, and of my dream.

On my way out, the only CNN face I saw was a security guard’s. Masked, hands trembling, Anthony stood there clutching a shoebox. He’d bought me a pair of Air Jordans as a goodbye. I hugged him and wept.

No cheesy plaque. No Champagne. No send-off party.

Just quiet.

Life is unfair. People are shitty. Bosses are bullies. This is not news. In the hierarchy of giving a shit, I didn’t think my story, my thousand little cuts, amounted to much.

It’s taken me nearly three years to remove the blinders, feel the anger, welcome the fear, and recognize that in all my yesses, in all my silence, in all my enabling, the person who betrayed me the most was me.

I wanted to obey. I wanted to please. I wanted to be the good girl. I was afraid they’d let me go—joke’s on me.

It starts in childhood. We want approval—from our parents, then our lovers, then our bosses. I wanted the people who had certain control over me to want me so that I could get what I wanted.

It’s a transaction and it’s a gamble, and the house always wins.

A former colleague of mine in her 20s knew what I was going through at work. She confessed to me years later that she was aghast and afraid: If it could happen to me, how would it not happen to her?

Which brings me back to wanting to punch my man in the face. Why was I so angry?

Because all of the truths were flooding into my mind the night before GMA. The muzzling. The charade. My childhood. My accountability.

I didn’t hit Peter, of course. Instead, he threw his arms around me, showing me how to feel seen and safe—and I wept. I wept for my mother. I wept for the versions of a woman I’d been throughout my life. I wept for the woman I was finally becoming.

So this is my confession. I’m calling myself out. And it feels powerful.

As for my family? My mother eventually left my father. She has found love with a man, a kind of love she had never known. And I don’t speak to my father, who is remarried. I wish him well.

Part of my own unraveling meant I became a believer in divorce. Including my divorce, so to speak, from CNN. Like my marriage ending, it was painful. I miss being a vessel for information and clarity and news—the good and the bad. I miss my audience. But I’m experiencing a rebirth. As with a forest fire, you can burn out the debris and foster new growth.

And it turns out that once you find your voice, you can’t unfind it. You can still say yes, as long as it’s using that voice.

Yes to hosting a social-experiment show on Netflix.

Yes to becoming a filmmaker, my own storyteller.

Yes to getting divorced.

Yes to starting the fuck over.

Yes to finding new love.

Yes to chopping your hair.

Remove your armor.

Burn the boats.

Unraveling. A funny word. I always took it to mean “coming apart,” but it also can mean “getting to the truth.”

Now I realize it’s both.

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